13. You know those super awesome holiday gift bags you’ve been saving for years that you can’t seem to part with? Make a game of determining which of your gift recipients are worthy enough to get them this year. It’s like weighing how “sponge-worthy” a guy is to figure out if you should sleep with them. Only this game is a little skewed because part of your decision will be based on how likely you are to receive a gift from that person next year in your super awesome gift bag.
Continued Holiday Season Fun
11. Tell your brother and his uptight wife and teenage only child that you are coming to visit with your family of five and don’t give him an end date. He will be grateful to see you and your adorable children under the age of 3 for as long as you can stay. Why put an artificial end to days upon days of joyful interacting with people you have nothing in common with? Also, offering to pay for any dinners or food would be insulting, so let him be the gracious host you know he wants to be and let him pay for all your meals, no matter how long you stay. And your liquor. Make sure he pays for your liquor.
12. Prepare for small talk before you get to your family gathering for ensured family holiday season fun. Don’t be the idiot that doesn’t know about how the electoral college is a socialist plot or all about Princess Kate’s pregnancy. Same thing with juicy details about Aunt Ruby’s suspected affair, how fat your little brother has gotten over the intervening year or how everyone who doesn’t believe like you do is going to hell. These topics are always popular. They are the Julia Roberts of small talk.
14. Seize this holiday as the perfect occasion to discuss shit you’ve been wanting to get off your chest all year. Like how you can’t believe your sister is still lying to her toddlers about whether Santa Claus is real and that her children would be smarter if she had breastfed them like you suggested. The less real life experience you have with the topic, all the better. If you don’t have kids, talk about what it takes to be a good parent. If you’ve never seen the movie but have heard it’s awful, broadcast your opinion. If you don’t have a vagina, talk about what others should do with theirs. You get the idea. Also, no one is tired of the “birther” conspiracy yet or safeguarding the right of all citizens to carry high- powered assault weapons. You can totally safely talk politics until Inauguration.
15. Safeguard those you love by taking out your seasonal affective disorder anger on over-worked retail sales staff and underpaid restaurant workers. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, except when that immigrant hostess seats two families of four before your family of seven on a bustling Friday night at a local family restaurant. Doesn’t she know who you are? It doesn’t count unless you make her cry.