The Truth About True Religion: Part Deux

Gay Chris: You were right that my Becky True Religion jeans have stretched mildly over the course of the entire day I spent mostly sitting in front of my computer wearing my new jeans (with my sexy pooch hanging over) and taking shallow breaths. For that, I take back the hateful thoughts I recycled in my head about violation of the gay man/straight woman privilege (almost as strong as the attorney/client privilege) we formed in my dressing room at the mall. I’m not sure these jeans were intended for women who have given birth, however. I don’t mean recently, I mean ever given birth, let alone more than once. Of course you had no idea that I had carried twins to full term at one point in my life. Though the jeans are so low on my hips there may have been a danger of you seeing my fabulous c-section scar. I can’t wrest the courage to squat down in the pants for fear of how much plumber’s crack exposure there may be. I had to limit my intake of fluids for the day because the jeans are strangling my bladder. My lady parts are nearly numb from lack of oxygen and some of them may have been smashed into different areas of my pelvis. I’m now afraid to take the jeans off, like when they tell you it is sometimes worse to pull the knife out than leave it in when you get stabbed. Perhaps this is what I get for shopping at a store marketed to affluent 17 year olds and gay men. Clearly, I am drawn to establishments peopled with teens and gay folks. They are, after all, my people. It is a very complicated relationship women have with their jeans. Gay Chris, I know you understand, which is why you spent so much time with me getting me to “delicious”. I understand that you rescued me from a fate worse than death by cajoling me into the smaller size with your winning gay charms. I know where it all could have gone if you hadn’t been there to save me from myself…

5 thoughts on “The Truth About True Religion: Part Deux

  1. Laughing hysterically and so relate – you put into words what i’ve done and consequently thought before. Gay Chris has a brother at the Hudson dept. at Nordstroms. Damn them both!

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