What is wrong with my children? A few days after school ended my husband and I threw the three amigos in the car and took them on a whirlwind tour of some of the best fracking states in the continental United States. Okay, one best fracking state: North Dakota. What were we met with? Bovine stares. Duck faces. Eye rolling. Keep reading!
Indianapolis, IN to STL 3,078 miles. One adult, three children. New states for the kids: 16 New country for the kids: Canada Regions covered: Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana, Michigan, Ontario, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia, Ohio, Washington D.C. Kids’ favorite excursion: Niagara Falls and the beach in Maine. Keep reading!
Arlington, VA via W. Virginia, Ohio to Indianapolis, IN In no particular order: The Internet was down for two hours today so I couldn’t access google maps and I TOTALLY FREAKED THE FREAK OUT. Seriously, I actually cried tears. It was embarrassingly traumatic. If a kindly taxi driver had not taken pity on me this morning, I would still be lost in Keep reading!
West Point NY via Philadelphia, PA, Wilmington, DE, Baltimore, MD, Arlington, VA Me: “Hall-oh!” Blair: “Hall-oh!” Me: “My name is Inigo Montoya!” Blair: “My name is Inigo Montoya!” Me: “You kilt my fah-thur!” Blair: “You kilt my fah-thur!” Me: “Pre-pare to die!” Blair: “Pre-pare to die!” This is one of our new car games. I’ve also been annoying Rowan every time I Keep reading!
Woodstock, VT to York, Maine through Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, and Connecticut, to West Point, NY. Every trip has to have a pooch screw day. Today was that day. On the plus side, we clap each time we cross a state border. We cheered six times today. That’s a lot of clapping. That feat is both awesome and not Keep reading!
Niagra Falls, NY to Woodstock, VT Thank you, Tom Petty, for writing the perfect tune, “Wreck Me”, which was the ideal song to blast at decibel 10 as I re-enacted a retro child rearing technique: radio volume parenting. For those times when you just don’t have any more ideas on how to get your children to quit screaming at each Keep reading!
Detroit, MI to Niagara Falls, NY via CA Took the brood to Canada today, bitches! I was mildly concerned about crossing the border because I didn’t have passports for the monkeys. I was able to sweet talk my way through Customs with their birth certificates. Do not wait to play the ABC game for when you are among the maple Keep reading!
When driving through one of the five toll booths en route from Madison, WI to MI, one friendly toll driver inquired, “Where are you all headed?” I responded enthusiastically, “Detroit!” He shook his head at me and replied with authority,”No. No, you’re not going to Detroit.” I wondered briefly if a meteor had taken out the city. He may as Keep reading!
STL to Madison, WI Let me just admit that I am not always a good driver. I tend to cruise on the highway in the passing lane and am apt to veer over on occasion to kill a mosquito trapped in my car bent on my destruction. Thus it came as no surprise that I pissed off the lady driving Keep reading!
OMG- The skinny midgets are already driving me insane and I’m getting ready to spend 24/7 with them in a tightly confined space. Blair already leaving me “I’m leaving” notes. The fuckers keep unpacking what I’ve packed. It’s like putting toys aside for Goodwill that the kids haven’t played with in years and then the fickle bastards can’t quit playing Keep reading!