Shit I Do Not Need For Mother’s Day Presents

Mother’s Day Presents

I hate to make fun of my most favorite store on the planet, Anthropologie, but I’m starting to get the feeling they don’t understand the plight of the American worker. Case in point: these items for sale on their website that would make wonderful Mother’s Day gifts for your special mother. If your mother was a huge pain in the ass and no ordinary or inexpensive gift would do.
I’m sure that if you were an urban douche and wanted a bodacious Backyard Chicken Coop on sale for $1,499 that you wouldn’t believe your luck in finding one whose regular retail price is $3,000, but hey. I guess there are people out there doing so well that they could totally get mom
a chicken coop that costs the same as a used car.
I know. I know. You are thinking, who couldn’t use an Unravel Knitted Calendar that is ON SALE for $69.95, down from $98.00. Me. I couldn’t use one. My cat would eat that calendar whole upon sight. An unraveling? calendar?
I’ve never dreamed of owning an $899 Hitherto Grasshopper Globe, even if I’m saving nearly $300 bucks off the retail price, because, come on: grasshoppers aren’t worth hundreds of dollars unless they were born with four clover leaves for wings.
 Where does one begin to look for a Bat Hat and Stand,
especially at the unheard of reasonable cost of $1,200? Conversation starter? Wouldn’t vegetarians throw blood on you or something? And the vegans! They would be insufferable at a dinner party sitting across from this bat pelt.
Calling All Mothers! These Limited-Edition Stand-up Paddleboards are going to fly off the shelves for $6,500! And it has pink on it! You can put potted plants on it, or something.
And under no circumstances should you give me flowers.
I adore flowers, but not on Mother’s Day.
Be more original than that, please.
But not so original that you get me a bat hat and stand.

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