Yes. I Have To Be Sexy in My Sixties (Because I Have a Vagina)
A magazine headline caught my eye while standing in the grocery line last week glamorously buying groceries for my family of five. The Closer Weekly magazine cover proudly featured a photograph of former Bond Girl actress Jane Seymour in a pink string bikini. Jane Seymour and I both have heterochromia. That is where the similarities end. The cover proclaimed: “Bikini Body at 62!”. If I hadn’t been in a hurry, or wearing a very tight skirt, I would have turned around and mock-run straight for the aisle with the Little Debbie snack treats after making a b-line to pick up a bottle of vodka to soothe my mounting hysteria. Someone please tell me when I can stop sucking in my stomach FFS. This is getting seriously uncomfortable! White sneakers are totally coming back into vogue at some point! Maybe I’m ahead of the trend!
I was totally distressed. Is this what the world has come to? The magazine world thinks I need to be sexy in my sixties? I’m in my (late) forties. Am I seriously expected to have a “hawt body” when I’m in my flippin’ sixties? I haven’t been able to manage it yet which is not boding well for my aging sexiness. I mean, I totally want to have a bodacious body, and I don’t care how old I am, but is this really an expectation? Is this a “thing”? No one is talking about whether James Bond’s Solitaire is healthy or feels great. And frankly any work you have done to your body is fine by me until you start looking inhuman. It’s a fact that I’m vain and still fighting the fight, but I don’t need the added pressure of maintaining some aura of sexy until I croak. The masses want confirmation that Jane Seymour, like the 62 year old American Apparel model, is SEXY. Ms. Seymour says she hopes to “inspire people”. To do what? Starve themselves? Do Hot Yoga? And she really means “people”? She doesn’t mean “people”. She means women. Solitaire says she stays in shape by eating sensible portions. She has that thing most people struggle with called “self-discipline”. Show-off.
Sexy Only Applies To Women
Name a couple with body equality other than Giselle and Tom Brady or other Greek Gods and Goddesses like Brad and Angelina. Men can be men without a hawt body. Men can be complete slobs like Jack Black (who I love) and still hook up with Kate Winslet in the movies. That’s messed up. It’s not even about sex, because I’m pretty sure (and hopeful) that sex happens at any age for adults.
Is this the new GILF? (Grandmothers I’d Like to…) Because let’s just say no to that nonsense! What’s next? Naughty Octogenarians? The racy AARP Swimsuit Model Calendar? I live in Missouri, people! Is calico going to become the next “racy” fabric? Making Incontinence desirable? You know, Jennifer was sexy even in death…