My 2014 New Year’s Goals Won’t Resolve Themselves

I like this time of year. It heralds in new beginnings, a blank slate, a fresh start. I like making goals, and I check-in periodically to gage where I am on fulfilling them. I usually reach some of my New Year’s goals for the year, or adjust them if they were unreasonable, like giving up guilt or cursing. Of course, with respect to my 2014 New Year’s Goals, I can’t help myself and I make the same ridiculous fitness and nutrition goals every year. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t even try? I feel like this year in particular I’ve been unfairly disadvantaged in being able to get off to the races on my goals by several factors beyond my control. You be the judge.

Obstacles to 2014 New Year’s Goals:

Obstacle # 1: Pigs. My mother-in-law mailed me 8 pounds of bacon a few weeks ago. I desperately love bacon, but it’s like potato chips, which don’t survive long in my house. I realize my weakness and try not to keep things within reaching distance that I’m going to binge eat until that shit is gone. Devlin requested sausage balls for his birthday meal, so I made a battalion of balls for the party. I overshot how many balls the kids would feast on by about 75 balls. That’s alotta balls to eat.

Obstacle # 2: Leftovers. My daughter wanted ham for Christmas dinner, so I made a delicious spiral cut ham. I also made a festival of garlic cheddar cheese grits (which I unwisely doubled the recipe) and a big-ass green bean casserole with crunchy French’s onion straws that provided leftovers for two families for days following the actual dinner. It was too expensive/delicious to throw out!

Obstacle # 3: Being born a long time ago. I am, in fact, over the age of 40. I wrenched my back before Christmas doing tabata. I had such great intentions (and scheduled sessions with a personal trainer and my work-out buddy) to slide into the Christmas holiday on a more bony, less squishy, ass.  Alas, it was not to be. The good news is my back got the rest it needed. The only work out I was able to do entailed my jaw chomping endlessly.

Obstacle # 4: Personality disorder. It turns out I am weak-willed, or ADD, and give in to distractions. Go figure.

Obstacle # 5: Demons. The wicked fiends who get their wings by adding pounds to my frame dumped a foot of snow in my town and I couldn’t drive my car to the gym, or anyplace else.

Obstacle # 6: The polar vortex. No, really. Temperatures below zero, or just above, seriously discouraged departure from my home and demotivated me to unwrap my scarf, take off a few pairs of socks and practice an exercise DVD.

Obstacle # 7: Inability to fly. I couldn’t physically get to the gym for days, and it turns out I’m not going to spontaneously start doing squats on my way from the bedroom to the kitchen. Not a one.

Obstacle # 8: Vicious circles. Eating seems like it’d be a cure to the boredom of being trapped inside for days but it turns out that you’re still bored after you eat. Then you hate yourself, and you want to eat more because you’re depressed. And then you are bored, depressed and foul-tempered. I was shocked to discover that foul-temperedness doesn’t lend itself to doing burpees in my living room. Not one leap.

Obstacle # 9: Being lazy.  Sloth begets sloth, and malaise is contagious. Also, sleeping late when you can’t go anywhere doesn’t burn any calories. So unfair.

Obstacle # 10: Douche bags at Netflix. There are actually shows on Netflix I haven’t seen yet. Binge watching crime dramas on Netflix doesn’t motivate you to do jumping jacks like you might think.

Please, tell me: Am I the only person who is pretending that the new year is really starting next Monday, January 12th, 2014? I mean, this week is clearly shot, with snow days Monday and Tuesday and a late start day Wednesday. Which obstacles got you?

2 thoughts on “My 2014 New Year’s Goals Won’t Resolve Themselves

  1. We are seriously scraping the bottom of the barrel. Have long since blazed through Breaking Bad, Orange Is The New Black, House of Cards, The Killing, Damages, The Following, Battle Star Galactica (from BBC), The Fall (from BBC), The Walking Dead, Luther (from BBC), Sherlock, Dexter, Weeds.

    We’re working on American Horror Story. Check back with me. I just researched some new stuff.

Please share your interesting comment