I’m Getting a Fake Christmas Tree

It’s True. I’m Getting a Fake Christmas Tree
I have been holding out on you guys by not blogging about this earlier. My entire life growing up and then as an adult, I have always decorated a real Christmas tree. Real Christmas trees are far superior to fake trees in every way. It’s like buying imitation vanilla extract to make Santa’s cookies. I mean, any self-respecting person who can afford pure vanilla, whose house hasn’t been foreclosed upon recently, should only bake cookies with pure vanilla, and only buy an 8 foot living, breathing spruce tree, just recently hacked off its mountain.

fake christmas tree

I have been a complete Real Tree Tool, snubbing my nose at the fake plasticity of artificial trees for as long as I can remember. I love freezing my ass off to pick out a real tree, almost having it fall off the top of my car as I’m driving down the road because it isn’t secured properly. It’s tradition to lose half the needles shoving the thing inside my front door. I adore how long it takes me to screw the stand into the tree trunk and how the tree inevitably veers to one side. I love spilling water all over my hard wood floors to keep the thirsty beast alive for three weeks. The giddy excitement of wondering if I’m going to come home to the thing up in flames because I forgot to unplug the lights before we left the house. I adore the scent of pine every time I vacuum for the next six months because I’m too lazy to replace the vacuum bag. (I actually really do love that).

fake christmas tree

And then some time in December last year, I had a complete change of heart, Grinch-style (not to be confused with gangnum style, which can put an eye out). My heart grew three sizes that day. I wanted to go over to The Dark Side. I wanted a fake tree. I still can’t explain it. I decided, however, that if I was going to buy an imitation tree, it should be the most fake tree EVER. Voila!

fake christmas tree

This photo isn’t doing it justice, and it sorta looks like the tree is on fire, but really it is just PINK. I know it looks tacky with green wires but we haven’t converted white wired light strands. Also, it occurs to me that someone who bought a pink Christmas tree probably has a warped sense of what constitutes “tacky” anyway. We hung only unbreakable ornaments because Kitten Katniss has been nesting in the branches and fucking with the furry santa ornament (as well as the ribbons on the packages, batting ornaments around the floor and then vomiting up tinsel). Sweet kitty.

And to make the Christmas season even more ironic, I made for the first time this year: a blue velvet cake.

fake christmas tree
Happy Holidays Everyone!

3 thoughts on “I’m Getting a Fake Christmas Tree

  1. I went to the dark side years ago so out could go up Thanksgiving and take it down sometime in January. It February. Our leave it up and decorate for the year. Which i have done. Flamingo tree in the summer any one??

    I do forego the tinsel tho. Not good fir the cats. Who best in the tree.

    Hope you had a great Christmas. We Ares in El Patio, headed to Houston tomorrow.

  2. I went to the dark side years ago so out could go up Thanksgiving and take it down sometime in January. It February. Our leave it up and decorate for the year. Which i have done. Flamingo tree in the summer any one??

    I do forego the tinsel tho. Not good fir the cats. Who best in the tree.

    Hope you had a great Christmas. We Ares in El Patio, headed to Houston tomorrow.

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