Festival of Popular Delusions Day

In honor of the Festival of Popular Delusions Day, June 5th, I list some of my own personal popular delusions (from my own head):

  • Despite the fact that I catch glimpses of my mother’s face and my grandmother’s demeanor in the mirror looking back at me, I still harbor hope that I will avoid screwing up my kids in the same way my parents screwed me up.
  • That I will screw my kids up in less screwed-up ways than my parents screwed me up.
  • I need to lose five more pounds, no matter what my weight is. I could be clinically emaciated and still think, “Well, a few more pounds and I might look great.”
  • I can be completely objective about something involving my child.
  • I totally needed that last cocktail.
  • That I denied music I listened to in high school would be bastardized into elevator music once it was old enough.
  • That my kids will ever believe me when I tell them One Direction and 5 Seconds Of Summer songs will be bastardized and played in elevators in twenty years.
  • That if I don’t clap, scream as loud as I can and foist my backlit smartphone screen at the stage that it will be MY singular fault the band didn’t return for an encore. “Thanks, Jennifer. Because of you, I didn’t get to hear ‘Freebird’ one more time. I hope not clapping loud enough was worth it, you selfish asshole.”

popular delusions

  • That my children will sail through the teenage years not hating me that much or thinking I’m the most stupid human being on earth.
  • That what goes around, comes around.
  • That those who have thwarted me will get their just desserts at some point and even though I won’t be around to confirm it, the law of karma will reign supreme and I will be vindicated.
  • That there are two more seasons of Breaking Bad I didn’t know existed and I will get to watch on Netflix when I die and go to heaven.
  • That my mother didn’t know I volunteered to do the dishes after holiday meals so I could escape talking to anyone for a while.
  • That anyone is faithful despite given the perfect storm of opportunity and the assurance of not getting caught. (Yes, I’m THAT cynical).
  • That someday I will have the absolute perfect Halloween party costume that makes everyone jealous.
  • That anyone could be jealous of me for any reason.
  • That when I bump into my nemesis by chance one day I will be dressed to the nines, smell nice and walking in the arm of my best mate before I kiss said nemesis on both cheeks in greeting.
  • That perfect days are created in the cosmos, not my mind.

popular delusions

  • That I’m not partially being lazy by not going nuts about censorship around my kids under the rationalization that I am teaching them worldly skills.
  • That anyone actually thinks about me in a negative or derogatory way even ten percent of the time I think they are.
  • That people would actually direct precious mental resources towards figuring out my shit when they have a perfectly nice set of their own problems.
  • That I can protect my children from their worst enemy, themselves.
  • That I can preclude my children from picking up some of my bad habits through my own sheer will and determination.
  • That I will ever be well-read. Too. Much. Beautiful. Literature.
  • That the ending of Showtime’s Dexter will ever make any sense or be remotely satisfying after eight years of watching that show. Still bitter.
  • That any modern movie will capture my imagination like any movie I saw when I was a child.
  • That my parents will ever make sense to me or that I will truly understand what drives their behavior.
  • That I won’t inherit any of the assholedness that runs rampant in my family.
  • I will be able to get so many things done this summer while my kids are out of school.

How about you? You have any popular delusions you want to share?

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