Family Road Trip Preparations not Going so Well

OMG- The skinny midgets are already driving me insane and I’m getting ready to spend 24/7 with them in a tightly confined space. Blair already leaving me “I’m leaving” notes. The fuckers keep unpacking what I’ve packed. It’s like putting toys aside for Goodwill that the kids haven’t played with in years and then the fickle bastards can’t quit playing with the Goodwill-designated toys.  I’m already practicing breathing exercises like I’m preparing for childbirth. Deep. Cleansing. Breaths. I made the rookie mistake of starting to prepare for the trip too early. That’s never a good idea. It’s like shopping for Christmas all year round, which I also do, and then I end up spending four times as much as I otherwise would have because I keep finding presents for people. Those marketing geniuses at Target (See! It’s not just the Apple store who has geniuses!) really know my demographic. How could I POSSIBLY pass up the spam-themed dollar items to put in cute little car boxes that the kids clearly needed to endure tens of hours in the car with me? Spam. You know. Like the disgusting meat-like substance that comes in a blue can. Not spam like “Try Viagara for free” spam.

The kids are so good about cleaning up after themselves at home, I’m sure it’s going to be the same stellar behavior in the car. The nice little spam tin will go into the color-coordinated car box right next to the spam notebook. No, I have not been smoking crack. No, they don’t pick up jack shit around the house. I’m doomed! Also, I think the tamoxifen is giving me hot flashes. Bugger!

I have been granted serendipity by the Gods, however. Kevin and I double-downed today. Two unbelievable acts of good fortune came our way:

1.  I found Devlin’s baby blanket that he sleeps with every night has been missing for four days. The sneaky bastard had thrown it on top of the very tall armoire in his room. I was not looking forward to the car trip without it. Schwing.

2. Kevin found Devlin’s smiley-faced retainer under the seat in his car! Dev lied about flushing it down the toilet! Devlin’s consequence for throwing away his retainer and lying about it was to go without screens for two weeks. Turns out he was lying about lying! Kids and their ability to chop off their nose to spite their face. These children and their thwarting! Just say NO! Wow, that’s a lot of punctuation for one paragraph! Do you feel like I’m yelling yet?

First stop tomorrow: Madison, Wisconsin.

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