There are several ways you can get de-friended from Facebook.
If you are tempted to start a sentence with, “I swear, I never forward this kind of stuff, but I couldn’t pass this one up…” Don’t. Don’t finish the sentence. Go with your first inclination of not forwarding. Procrastinate, and go eat a cake donut instead. Nobody, and I mean no one, is going to thank you for that chain message or Call to Action you sent them. (OMG- are you old enough to remember getting that shit IN THE MAIL? “Copy and send this to 10 friends within 10 days and 10 wishes will be granted. If you don’t you will lose all 10 of your fingers before the end of the year.”) I worry enough about karma. I don’t need to add “didn’t forward chain message” to the list of “things I will burn in hell for”. Yes, I am that selfish. I don’t give a shit about pet hunger. I mean, I do. I think it’s awful and clearly all pets should get food. But right here, right now, on Facebook or Twitter, I don’t give a shit. I only have enough energy in my brain to worry about a finite amount of things, and “pet hunger” didn’t make the list today. It’s not looking good to matter to me tomorrow either.
“If you oppose the use of a human fetus in food products, speak up now. Because, come on, ya’ll, that’s just gross. Let your voice be heard by sending this to fifty of your FB friends, or baby human fetus could end up in your tacos.” You have to look this up by clicking here.
“I’m only sending this to you because I think you care enough not to let Jimmy die from ass cancer. Help spread the word about ass cancer by eating at Jimmy John’s every day for a week and posting a picture of your meal.”
“If you think it would suck to be stuck in a prison cell with Sally Struthers, change your status to ‘Free Sally Struthers’. Seriously, Sally needs our help!”
“Copy and paste this if you are a proud mamma bear who will always protect your baby cubs and never let them down! Are you brave enough to take a stand?”
“If you want to promote world peace, put the color of your underwear as your status update for the next hour. Are you really too lazy to unzip your pants to let others know how passionate you are about world peace? I mean, you gotta go to the bathroom anyway at some point.”
“Copy and paste this if the weather is bumming you out so we can enjoy a community sigh together.”
“If you believe it is wrong to bludgeon puppies, part your hair on the other side every day for a week. Every time someone asks you what’s up with parting your hair on the other side, tell them proudly ‘I’m doing it for the puppies.'” If they don’t know what you mean, and if they are still parting their hair on the regular side, you’ll know what kind of person they are. This is a great friend litmus test.”
“If the Zombie Apocalypse can’t come soon enough for you, render all the beanie babies in your collection into Zombies and post pictures of them on Facebook every day until you run out of beanie babies. The Zombie Apocalypse will begin exactly 24 hours after you post the picture of the last beanie baby. (it takes that long for the zombie’s brains to turn on).”
Doesn’t the kitty look hungry? Someone! Please! Feed her!