De-Friended: Facebook Posting Instead of Living

Stop Facebook posting instead of living

Some mundane status updates are post-worthy. When your kid tells you you’re the worst mom ever after you drop their newly purchased ice cream on the sidewalk, for instance. There are those status updates on social media, however, that make you wonder if someone has seriously lost their mind. I give you: Status updates about issues the poster should be dealing with in the real world instead of posting on social media.


46 Things You Should Never Post on Facebook

  • I’m having chest pains.
  • Someone might be breaking into my house.
  • I can’t decide whether to make a bid on the monkey lamp on the home shopping network.
  • I may have herpes.
  • Yep. Brakes are going out in my car. Can’t stop.
  • This MRI machine I’m in is giving me claustrophobia.
  • Donald Trump is firing me and I’m grabbing him by his quiff.
  • I’m insolvent.
  • I’m dry-heaving.
  • I’m bleeding profusely.
  • I’ve just been arrested for stuff the cops found on my computer.
  • This dude is totally threatening me with a switchblade.
  • I can’t find my son’s blanket.
  • My water just broke.
  • Yes! I’ll marry you!
  • They are voting to kick me off the island.
  • Why don’t they start my colonoscopy already? I’ve been waiting in my paper gown for 30 minutes!
  • I think my wife is in the bedroom having sex with someone who isn’t me.
  • My husband is having an emotional relationship with his high school girlfriend on Facebook.
  • I am urinating.
  • I think I may have just been shot.
  • I’m waiting for Jaws of Life to free me from my car. Can anyone recommend a personal injury attorney?
  • Just waiting for my colon cleanse to start working.
  • I’m singing on American Idol right now.
  • Should I ask for more laughing gas as I wait for the dentist to come back into the room?
  • I’m on my way to the emergency room.
  • With this ring, I thee wed…blah, blah, blah.
  • I can’t post bail. LOL!
  • My mom just called to say she just saw me on “To Catch A Predator”
  • I can’t remember how long it’s been since I had my period.
  • How soon can you take a pregnancy test after unprotected sex?
  • It’s really handy to be wearing these Depends instead of fighting the urge to poo in this grocery store line.
  • Can anyone identify the rash on my thigh in this photo?
  • How can you tell if you have crabs?
  • I just spent the last $10 in my bank account.
  • I just crashed on skis and can’t feel my legs.
  • I think my toddler just touched something hot.
  • What does it mean when it hurts when you urinate?
  • The toilet is over-flowing, literally as I type this.
  • How long before my ecstasy buzz starts working?
  • As I breastfeed right now, I realize it is such a singularly intimate experience between a mother and baby.
  • Padma Lakshmi is telling me to pack my knife and go.
  • I don’t think my anti-psychotic meds are working anymore.
  • Can someone recommend a good criminal attorney?
  • My therapist sucks. Does anyone like theirs? (who specializes in bipolar disorder)
  • I’m so close to having an orgasm right now!

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