Celebrate Job Loss the Right Way (with friends)
Admittedly, it has been a while since I’ve been to a poser restaurant. You know, one of those places that sounds like a good idea because you haven’t been in a while and you forgot why it annoys you. There are redeeming qualities about the place (the Eel Roll) or you wouldn’t have a vague idea that you liked something about it. Usually folks complain about poor service at restaurants. The service we had for the first half hour was over-the-top, as three waiters were vying to serve our table. Could you blame them? Three middle-aged hotties celebrating the one who got fired from her job Monday?
Maybe they assumed we were each so high maintenance that we each needed a personal waiter. I’m sure we looked like generous tippers. “Can we get you ladies some drinks?” Two minutes later: “Would you like something to drink?” One minute later: “Drinks for the table?” Groundhog Day dining. “Are you ready to order?” One minute later: “Do you need some more time before you order?” Two minutes later: “Can I get you some appetizers?”
After the wait staff worked out their issues (I imagine they decided who won our table by rock-paper-scissors diplomacy), we realized we were in a small, dark dining room surrounded by couples on their first date. It was, after all, a sushi joint. Secondly, First Date Couples are easy to peg: the awkward banter, one invariably way over-dressed and trying too hard, cologne and grooming, couples “talking to each other” and “asking the other person’s opinion”, one person acting like what the other person said “mattered”, lots of geeky smiling, no touching.
Oh, and if the subtle clues weren’t enough, look for the table ordering the flaming OMG sushi roll. OMG, as in OMG my raw fish is surrounded by flames! Why, people? And you know what else? It’s fucking tempura, which while delicious, is like going to Alaska in the summer. No one is giving you points for going to a cold-ass place in the summer, and no one is giving you points for eating cooked fish in a sushi restaurant. Tempura is the Applebee’s of eating sushi. It’s like ordering off the kids menu. “Do you have any sushi rolls with chicken nuggets in them?”
One of my favorite past times when observing/ridiculing couples on a first date is to guess who is going to end up in the sack. You can make an educated guess about who is going to get laid by the juxtaposition of their shoe ware. I don’t mean that stilettos are a sure-fire catalyst to getting laid, but if the stilettos compliment the shoes across the table, the odds are much better. Both wearing sneakers? More likely they’re getting lucky. This poor lady next to us had on the most boring beige patent leather flats imaginable. So not getting laid with those shoes when the guy across from her was wearing metrosexual loafers. It’s like bringing a shiv to a gun fight. You are going to lose.
Dining Tip: Tell your waiter you got fired and they might bring you a free chocolate cheesecake. Why haven’t I been doing this every week? (getting free dessert, not getting fired)