Sometimes I use bad grammar. I can barely tolerate the shame.
I put myself out there on The Internets, and The Internets have spoken. The Grammar Nazi has proclaimed, “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Is it coincidence (or is it irony? I think it’s irony! I’m so paranoid to hit publish post I could scream!) that I have violated Weird Al Yankovic’s Word Crimes ALREADY? I was his target audience. Boobs writing blogs with messy grammar and reckless spelling. I’ve been mocked, deservedly so, about a recent post I wrote which contained two glaring grammatical errors, within the title and first sentence no less. I couldn’t even get out of the blog post starting gate without my knees buckling in grammatical humiliation.
I said I could care less when I really COULDN’T HAVE CARED LESS.
To say I could care less is to infer that I care at least a little from which there could be less caring. If I couldn’t have cared less, there is no care. These distinctions are important, people! Do you care or don’t you? Spit it out already!
Then, unfathomably, I referenced an “anecdote” when what I really meant was an “antidote”.
They mean completely different things, those words. One is an amusing story, something you might share with a neighbor. The other is something you hope is handy when you’ve just been bitten by a pit viper. Very, very different. Should be easy not to confuse them, like taking a “picture” of a “pitcher”. Stop telling me you want to go the libary. You don’t feel good, unless you are touching good people. You feel “well”, asshole. How do you feel? I feel well, thank you. See, that wasn’t so hard.
Sadly, upon closer inspection, I found TWO MORE errors in the same post, and I bowed my head in horror. I’m an educated person. I was a Letters major in college, FFS. I’ve taken myriad College English courses. None of this seems to matter. I am still inclined to make mistakes. And I keep putting them out there for all the world to see. Tens of you experienced my logophile humiliation. I’m all uppity about the grammar rules I know, and a doofus about the ones I don’t know I’m violating. I refuse to use lie/lay/lain in a sentence because my feeble mind simply can’t remember how to use them properly. Those words are dead to me. It’s like they never existed. I’m not lying or laying nor have I lain.
I’ll just stand for the remainder of eternity.
I have my own personal pet peeves about improper grammar. Don’t even think about telling me you feel nauseous unless you mean that you make other people feel like barfing. What you mean to say is that you feel nauseated. Nauseated means you feel like you could throw up, upchuck, barf, puke, retch, toss your cookies. You get the idea.
Proper is a concept that seriously does not apply to me. My children admonish me not to be such a potty mouth. Yet there is something critical about using proper grammar. I can forgive someone a social faux paux, but for some reason, my Zen acceptance of imperfection does not extend to grammar. Grammar is important! It’s what separates us from the apes. Although perhaps an ape could have written a more grammatically pleasing post than I did last time.
To those kind strangers who gently pointed out my mistakes in private messages, we are friends for life. I would totally tell you if you had spinach in your teeth. God bless.