I Am More Accident Prone Than My Kids

Accident Prone Mother Impales Self in Head

My husband and I attended the Justice For All Ball at Chase Park Plaza on Saturday night. Formal, with tuxes. We don’t do this sort of event often, or at all if we have to pay for it ourselves, but we had fun at it last year against all odds. About two hours before donning my fancy frock and heels, I managed to accidentally impale my forehead into the stove vent hood in my kitchen. Fucking vent hood. At least, I think it was accidental. I had, after all, spent all day with a rotation of kids, which at its thickest equaled six. And though I love spending time with each and every one of them, it is a fact that when kids form gangs, they turn into assholes. Assholes can be exhausting. And they can make you want to bang your head into things.
accident prone

I thought about putting a band-aid (or, if you are British, a plaster) on my head gash because it was such a toss-up as to whether the band-aid or the whelp with open half inch wound combo would be less distracting. I asked my ten year old daughter if I looked okay after I put on my party dress and make-up (She’s used to seeing me in jeans and scant make-up). She gave me an up-and-down look and said, simply: “What happened to your forehead?” It conjured up memories of when my esteemed hair stylist, Brandie, accidentally dropped a curling iron on my forehead the day before my wedding. She was so mortified she refused to let me pay her, but I thanked her for pre disaster-proofing my wedding. It was too mundane to advise forehead gawkers at the Ball that my vent hood attacked me so my husband and I made up an elaborate story about what happened to my head, which I left un-bandaged. Summed up, I started with: “turbulence”. Doesn’t that make me sound glamorous and important rather than pedestrian and coordination-challenged?

accident prone
P.S. Can I just tell you what weird shit comes up when you google “face bandaid”?

5 thoughts on “I Am More Accident Prone Than My Kids

  1. I should have thanked the vent hood for giving me a topic of conversation all night. I ran around like a little kid, leading all conversations with, “Yeah, so, about my head…”

  2. Pondering whether or not I should stop reading your blog at my new office. It’s insanely quiet and all the engineers can hear me laughing out loud. I agree…. this is funny shit.

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