20 Ways to Age Disgracefully

Grow Old Gracefully or Age Disgracefully? I know what I vote for!

It was great to see my friend, Sarah, who visited for the weekend. We met each other wearing Come On, Eileen overalls when freshmen in college at The University of Oklahoma. We sound like each other on the phone and finish each other’s sentences. Firmly establishing our compatibility over the years, which I dare not count, we’ve made a pact to grow old together. There will have to be certain rules, though. We are clearly still negotiating, but here is the beginning list of House Rules a/k/a Ways to age disgracefully:

1. We will pool our social security payments until we have enough money to buy an Airstream trailer to tour around the country. We’ll drive that thing until it won’t move from all the newspapers and magazines we start hoarding make it too heavy.

2. We’re going to start prank calling our relatives when we wake up at 4:30 a.m. and get a good laugh at the expense of who we scared the bejesus out of.

3. Part of the year we’ll spend in New York City and part of the year touring in our geriatric tricked-out Airstream. We’ll also buy a condo near a golf course and be served refreshing beverages by our muscular cabana/pool man, Enrique.

4. We will reserve one hour a day to talk about body ailments like arthritis, varicose veins, The Rheumatoid, cataracts, incontinence, constipation, anything having to do with poo, IBS, etc. After the hour, we vow not to mention any body parts and whether they are working or not. Firm rule. No exceptions.

5. The one who colors their hair pink gets dibs on that color until the next beauty shop appointment. We’ll go back and forth between pink, purple, and blue hair.

6. We are going to learn how to drink coffee with every meal. Pizza and coffee. Sushi and coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Twelve cups throughout the day until our breath smells like ass on a constant basis.

7. We’re going to start having dinner at 5:00 p.m. and progressively have dinner earlier and earlier until eventually we are eating dinner for breakfast.

8. We are going to shamelessly lobby to have Luby’s Cafeteria name a platter after us. That bitch, LuAnn, has had her run. It’s time for a new Platter in town. Screw having a star system named after us. We want something that actually means something and is better with gravy.

9. When we have exhausted places to tour in the USA, we’re going to start running drugs to Mexico. We’ll hide the drugs in boxes of Depends in our Airstream. It’ll be like The Golden Girls do Puerto Vallarta, only with drug kingpins.

10. We’re going to take up smoking, because when we’re 75, who gives a shit?

11. The first one to start wearing dentures gets to win at canasta for two weeks.

12. We’re going to create a stylish mu mu for seniors patterned after a mariachi band and wear them constantly.

13. We’re going to wear house slippers everywhere. To the pool. In the pool while we’re doing Senior Water Polo. To the pharmacy. To play bingo. To the Hospital.

14. We agree to be each other’s Wing Man when we’re out cruising at bars.

15. We’re going to play “Hi, Bob!” and take a shot of tequila every time one of us starts to repeat a story we told within the last hour.

16. Only one of us gets to be cranky per day. If she wakes up cursing because she can’t find her trifocals, I have to suck it up and be cheerful all day. She gets to bitch about the glasses she didn’t notice hanging from a leash around her neck until dinner at 2:00.

17. We vow to tell each other when we have food on our faces we can’t feel and steer each other clear from old men who smell like urine and mothballs but are trying to cover it up with Old Spice cologne.

18. We agree to continually embrace emerging technology. Eight-Tracks. Cassette tapes. Compact discs. Ipods. We’ll buy them all and learn 10% of the functionality. We will use any Apple product that can fit into our gingham fanny pack.

19. We will remind each other that “old” does not automatically mean “interesting”.

20. We will be there to calm each other when one of us goes off in irrational decrepit rage about some perceived slight.

That, my friends, is how you age disgracefully!

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